December 4th

There has been a development in the case of my cancer treatment. Surgery has been confirmed for this Friday.

I have mixed thoughts and feelings about this. I think: "Oh! Surgery! Change of Boob Shape! Unconsciousness Around Strangers! Cuts! Blood! Stitches! Pieces of Me Going Places! Sicky Grogginess!" All those give me plenty to be nervous about. Then I wonder, "What colour is the cancer? Will I have to go through Chemo? What would being completely hairless feel like?" Fascinating. Then, "It's just a little surgery to remove a little lump and some lymph nodes, why all the fuss? It'll be fine! This is Nothing! It's like having your wisdom teeth out. Get back to work!"

I had a dream once that I broke my forearm. My doctor told me I had two options: let it heal on its own, or, let him perform surgery. He said surgery would be way less painful, a faster way to sure recovery. It sounded like there was only one option, to me. I went under. When I came to, the lower half of my arm was gone. It was a nightmare.

This cancer has been with me for a while, I'm sure. I dreamed it years ago. Bear with me. The Economist recently published a blurb about studies that show cancer cells killing themselves when exposed to something in tumeric. Why doesn't someone give the Lump a shot of that? Jeez. Maybe surgery should be put on hold. I'm scared.

Anyway, I've made a small list of movies I'm excited to watch while I convalesce.

1. Gorgo,
2. The Clash of The Titans,
3. The Creature from the Black Lagoon
4. and that one with the army of skeletons - Jason and the Argonauts?

Those are the important ones today.

Also, my friend Andy, who I haven't seen in AGES, is coming to town for a catching-up visit and to photograph my boobs. It's gonna be fun!

BOOBS!

Boobs are huge! Everybody has feelings about boobs. Whether those feelings are tender or mean, self-conscious or confident: men, women and children alike feel something for boobs. I remember wanting to have boobs, and I remember wanting to give away my boobs. I have been embarrassed by and proud of them. They've been burdensome and pleasurable... handy, even!

My boobs have been around for a pretty long time. Twenty years, at least! Since the biopsy I often find myself holding them tenderly. I let them out of their bras more often, I am no longer shy to handle them if there is any pain. There's been talk of fast finding a man to love them up, of photo shoots, of molds being made. Yes, I love these boobs!

In a week or so, I'll be going under the knife for a partial-mastectomy which sounds scary for anyone attached to boobs. Lumpectomy sounds friendlier to me (not to Lump). A radiologist will inject radio-isotopes into the area around my nipple. I think a Geiger counter will then be used to locate their path to my lymphatic system. Lump and some surrounding boob, and the nearest lymph nodes, will be removed for examination. It should all happen in one day, with a good night of sleep in a familiar bed at the end. Mom and Dad will be here, and I'm confident about my doctor and the students at the KGH Cancer Clinic.

The key term in the preceeding pathology report is "Invasive Mammary Carcimoma". Lump is not benign and nobody is sure why it is there. At this point, the lumpectomy is the best way to learn how aggressively the cancer has been behaving. From the second pathology report, we will determine how to proceed with treatment. The lumpectomy could be the end of it! There could follow radiation therapy, which is a localized treatment. There could follow chemotherapy, which is a full-body treatment. A mastectomy, a double mastectomy may be necessary! The possibilities are dizzying.

It seems the best thing to do is to take this step by step. It is what it is!

Surgical Pathology Consultation Report (Revised)

Specimen Recieved:
Left Breast

Clinical Information:
Pre-op Dx: ? Atypical Fibroadenoma Versus Primary Breast Malignancy.

FINAL DIAGNOSIS:
Left Breast, Ultrasound Guided Needle Core Biopsies
: Invasive Mammary Carcinoma

Microscopic Description:
Needle core biopsies show an invasive mammary epithelial neoplasm with high grade nuclei, no tubule formation, and high mitotic activity, within a myxoid stromal background. Many of the neoplastic cells are immunoreactive for p63. These features raise the differential diagnosis of poorly differentiated infiltrating ductal carcinoma vs. metaplastic carcinoma, matrix producing variant. Definitive subclassification is deferred to the examination of the excision specimen.

COMING UP NEXT...THE PATHOLOGY

The story of (the) Lump

The Lump in my breast surprised me. I found it while I was washing my armpit. I panicked, and then forgot about it. Over breakfast I remembered and mentioned the Lump to my room-mate, Pim. He said I should have it checked.

My doctor was able to see me that same morning. Though he did not feel the Lump himself, he did refer me for an ultrasound. I waited only five days.

Lump was clearly visible in the sonogram, and I was asked to stick around for a mammogram. The breast screening clinic wasn't very busy that morning.

There was a message on my phone the next day. I was being asked to go back to the clinic, for a biopsy, the next day. This made me nervous, but I agreed that it would be nice to have it over with.

The biopsy was tricky. All I had to do was lie down, but the doctor's hands were not large enough or strong enough for the giant spring-loaded needle. The doctor wasn't tall and it wasn't easy for her to get a good angle on the area she was aiming for. Lump didn't want to stay still for it, and my breastplate, though on the other side of Lump, was kinda in the way.

The results came in much sooner than anticipated. The call came on a Sunday, after Carly's wedding to Josh. Lump would have to come out and more biopsies would have to be taken from the surrounding tissue.

In the Beginning...

This was Dad's suggestion.
There has been talk of email lists. There may be an information tree...
This seemed like the simplest, most direct way to share information with all of you who are interested and concerned.
It feels a bit weird. Everything feels a bit weird. My hope is that it will be helpful.

If it turns out that I'm a terrible blogger, tell me. I'll stop!