YES!

So! The answer is - Yes! It is an aggressive cancer. Yes! Chemotherapy is a given. Yes! There will be more surgery.

Thankfully, I get to keep my boobs! How great is that? Pretty great! I get to keep my boobs!

There will be another surgery - they'll dig directly into the armpit incision to get the remaining lymph nodes. That sounds gross. It is gross. After the surgery, there will be a drain. Ew. A drain in my armpit. To catch the fluid that will accumulate there. Ugh. A nurse will come to make sure it's draining properly. Ah. Gross. And when that is out and has had a chance to heal, then there will be Chemotherapy.

I guess the second surgery is meant to give more information for the oncologist's prescription for chemo. There will be more pathology reports for the next few nodes. I think it's going to be pretty gross, and kinda miserable having half my armpit taken out.

Like I said, I get to keep my boobs! I get to keep my boobs!

I'll get to know what it's like to be completely hairless - at least I hope I will. I keep hearing that some people don't loose their hair, and that's disappointing. I'm a Really Hairy Girl. I'd like to know what it's like to have no hair. I'm into trying wigs, fake eyebrows and fake eyelashes!

Also, now that I've been given the heads-up about fertility - I'm going to try to get some eggs harvested! Yeah! That's right. I'm going to get someone to get some of my baby-eggs out of me now, so chemotherapy won't make it impossible for me to conceive!! Science is amazing.

It's fine now. I'm fine now. Everything is fine now. Christmas is just a few days away! I'm in Ottawa with some of my family, we're drinking and eating and having a good time. There's really nothing wrong - except my sisters aren't here and I'm going in for surgery on the 5th of January.

It's really nice that I get to keep up with you this way, though. And, it's specially nice that you keep reading.

xoxox

Oh, Recovery!

It's cold in Kingston. The driveway at my house is covered in ice. Two days ago, in a rush to get out, I slipped and went down. My shoulder is stiff today, but I've got to say, I fell really well.

The wounds have both been completely uncovered about four days now. There were two incisions - one in the lower half of my armpit, the other about two finger-widths below that. The armpit scar is pretty unpleasant to look at. It's got a knot of stitching poking out at one end, is a meanish red colour and has eyes. No, it hasn't. It has a big lump under it, not eyes. According to Dr. Ross, that lump is probably a build-up of fluid. After all, there used to be a lymph node there.

The breast scar is much more subtle, and the piece of stitching sticking out is a single thread. The boob is swollen and has many tender spots. There is a hard line of tissue that loops down from the scar, which I imagine may be new scar tissue from where the Lump was taken. Maybe my boobs won't look as alike as I initially thought...

There are lots of stretches to do in order to regain flexibility and strength in my arm and shoulder. The difference they make to the amount of pain I feel is astounding! Swimming sure helps, too.

It hasn't been an easy time. I became very emotional last weekend. My fears had been quietly preying upon me for most of it. While I was performing fewer activities in an effort to conserve energy and heal, I grew more and more anxious about things like death, and fertility! Navigating relationships became stressful, as did working to support myself. Although I was continually reading The Intelligent Patient Guide to Breast Cancer, I wasn't reading the immediately helpful parts. I was pretty lost and just anxious enough that I couldn't think who I could call for help, nor recognize that I needed to. Stupid times.

Well, now I know, and the pathology report has arrived at the Cancer Clinic. Mom and I will be seeing Dr. Engel on Monday to hear his translation and ideas for action.

I missed writing to you.

More BOOBS!

There is a website you can visit where hundreds of breasts are revealed in their various shapes and sizes. Leesha, Dana and I visited theshapeofamother.com on the eve of the lumpectomy. Those breast galleries were overall reassuring, as were the breast-bearers's stories about the experience of their breasts. Amaze-a-boobs!

The recovery is going well! Although I seem to always be dizzy, I have managed to get by with only half an oxycocet today!

The skin, at the incision, is taped together with 'steri-strips' which will undoubtedly slough off in a couple of days. Below the skin, there are stitches which are meant to dissolve into nothing. Sounds like there should be little to no scarring. My boob looks just as it used to. The back of my arm feels like your mouth does when it's been frozen, but I'm told that won't last.

The surgery went well, I hear. I came out of it feeling pretty bad and curious about my fat lip. It was a long day leading into the operating room. The radio-isotope injection was some painful and the doctor performing the procedure was not sociable. Going without food or drink was not fun. Surgery was delayed by two hours. By the time the anesthesiologist came to check that I was ready to go in, I had a caffine withdrawl headache, hunger pains and my period.

The anesthesiologist was someone I recognized from around town. He was much kinder than I'd ever imagined he could be, and I have to admit, I fell a little bit in love with him. He was young, cute and took all pain away! He explained that the drugs he'd be giving me would relax my muscles so completely that my breathing might stop (just like Michael Jackson's) and so tubes would be inserted in my throat. That explains the fat lip. I'll probably never see him again.

The surgeon, Dr Engel, held onto me firmly as I went under. There was some soulful guitar playing on the stereo, and a nurse wiped away my tears while encouraging me into unconsciousness. I felt well taken care of.

It was nice to stay out at Gramma's farm for the first couple of days after surgery. The walks, having so many sweet people around, so many painkillers... ideal comforts! Now I'm staying at my Grandma Iris and step-Grandpa Ken's apartment in Kingston. They're taking great care of me. I drank alcohol tonight for the first time since Thursday! I love getting drunk with 80-somethings.

Mom and I will be seeing Dr Engel in a little over a week to discuss the pathology of the Lump and next steps for treatment.

Go on, and do whatever it is that makes you happy! I'll keep you posted.

Hey Guys!
It went really well! I'm staying out at the farm with Mom and Dad and Gramma, Christie, Jay and Jack and Leo.
Thanks again for all your support and well wishes!
Love,
Erin

Andy was here for about thirty hours. We photographed for maybe one of those hours. It was harder than I thought it would be, but, we did it!

Here are a few of our favourites.

Thank you, everyone, for being so attentive and kind. All of your well wishes are keeping me afloat. I look forward to telling you all about it!