In a few weeks I will celebrate the anniversary of my first mammogram
with a second. The follow-up examination will give a picture of how
the treatments have affected my breast and the Lump that was found there
a year ago.
How do I spend my days now? Sleeping till
10 every day. Thinking about the experience of the past year and all
the years that have passed, the experiences that I remember. Feeling
the anxiety to produce and contribute to society building inside, flying
around in a flurry of unproductive business, dissipating into
acceptance then drinking in dreams to wake up and feel the anxiety build
again.
It's breast cancer awareness week or month now,
isn't it? Funny, that. I mean, it's great that people are encouraged
to be aware of breast cancer, but I wonder what about breast cancer are
people expected to become aware of? The story of a great battle and an
incredible support team? The idea that running for a cure is going help?
The life-affirming, cancer-conquering, one day at a time thing? We've
all heard that stuff. Frankly, everyone's experience of breast cancer is
different and you never know just how it is going to affect you.
There's
NOTHING glorious about surviving cancer treatment. Wining the Battle
implies there is an end to the impact cancer has on your life.
Incredible support team? Maybe I'm just deeply embittered, but no
matter what is happening to you, other people can't help. They can do
little things, but does that really make your situation better? Sorry,
but I don't think so.
Why does breast cancer happen?
How can you prevent it from happening to you and your loved ones? Can
you prevent it? What forms of treatment are effective? Those are
questions that are not being answered to my satisfaction.
It
is rumored breast cancer occurs more often in people who don't
emotionally care for themselves. So, love yourself! Love your breasts!
Love your loved ones breasts!
Chemotherapy can be an
effective treatment, but, alarmingly there are absolutely no studies
done on people who decide to stop treatment when they've reached their
threshold of suffering, or who forgo chemotherapy. Why? Because it's
not profitable?
Why not make it breast health awareness
month, and call it that? Why not prescribe regular breast massage
therapy rather than (or as well as) regular mammograms? Instead of
scaring people with the c word, and limiting the scope of the issue to
"the cure", make breast health an important aspect of overall health
from the beginning.
Coming
off treatment has been emotional for me. When treatments ended, it
felt like I'd been dumped by someone I had mixed feelings about (ok, that wasn't a first, but still very unpleasant).
There
is no reward waiting at the end, not a clean bill of health, not even
an end really. I still feel the urge to push hard against the
exhaustion, dread and loneliness, to finally pull up the old bootstraps
and get to work! I get really sick. My Osteopaths, Acupuncturist and
Psychiatrist are here to help me feel ok about things that can't be
fixed, and help to fix what they can, but it's still difficult to accept
my limitations.
I do day things, like corresponding,
running errands and, exercising. Shopping for groceries, preparing
meals, eating and tidying-up take lots of time. I'm learning to read,
write and speak Arabic, which gives my brain exercise. I have fun making
sounds with Jared's spare accordion, too.
Some times I forget what I've been through.
Today I read another take on the "battle with cancer".
